


Teaching Sherlock to Cook (or, Will You Put That Bloody Knife Down, Sherlock, And Stop Messing Around With The Oven Before I Shove This Carrot Up Your Nose)

by Loopy456



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Crack, Gen, John is exasperated, Lestrade is amused, Sherlock is bored
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-22
Updated: 2013-03-22
Packaged: 2017-12-06 03:14:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/730886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Loopy456/pseuds/Loopy456
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sherlock is bored. John tries to deal with this. Sherlock enjoys the knives and the fire a bit too much. John despairs. Lestrade finds the whole thing very amusing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Teaching Sherlock to Cook (or, Will You Put That Bloody Knife Down, Sherlock, And Stop Messing Around With The Oven Before I Shove This Carrot Up Your Nose)

**Author's Note:**

> Crack. Pure crack. I needed a break from my more angsty writing and this is what occurred, for which I can only apologise.

10:01  
Sherlock declares that he is bored.

10:02  
John ignores him.

10:05  
Sherlock declares that he is bored.

10:06  
John turns another page of his book and ignores him.

10:08  
Sherlock declares that he is bored.

10:09  
John gets up to make a cup of tea and ignores him.

10:14  
Sherlock announces his intentions to proceed with his planned experiment involving three Bunsen burners and those pig innards he got from the butcher.

10:15  
John texts Lestrade asking for a case.

10:20  
Lestrade has not replied.

10:22  
Lestrade has still not replied.

10:23  
Sherlock is fidgeting and throwing meaningful glances in the direction of the kitchen, more specifically the fridge where the pig innards are stored.

10:24  
John confiscates all of Sherlock’s Bunsen burners.

10:25  
Sherlock throws a strop a five-year-old would be proud of.

10:35  
Sherlock is still sulking.

11:35  
Sherlock is still sulking. Lestrade has still not replied.

12:05  
Lestrade replies. He has no cases for Sherlock.

12:28  
Sherlock has got over his sulk and is hunting down his Bunsen burners.

12:31  
Sherlock has found the Bunsen burners. Why John thought he wouldn’t find them in the bottom of John’s wardrobe underneath his shoebox of ‘literature’ is beyond him.

12:32  
Sherlock finds himself distracted by John’s ‘literature’.

13:04  
John is wondering where Sherlock has got to, but there are no suspicious noises or smells coming from the kitchen so he leaves him to it.

15:45  
John finishes his book and wonders again where Sherlock could have got to.

15:46  
Sherlock is discovered in John’s room, sat on the floor surrounded by ‘literature’ and taking very careful notes in his notebook.

15:47  
John throws a strop a five-year-old would be proud of.

16:00  
John announces that he is not letting Sherlock out of his sight for the rest of the day.

16:17  
Sherlock finds himself being taken to the supermarket to buy food for dinner.

16:19  
John threatens to hold Sherlock’s hand all the way to the supermarket if he attempts to sneak off to Scotland Yard one more time.

16:20  
Sherlock attempts to sneak off to Scotland Yard one more time.

16:21  
‘I did warn you, Sherlock!’

16:23  
John grows embarrassed by holding Sherlock’s hand, especially as everyone already thinks they’re together, so settles for gripping Sherlock’s sleeve for the rest of the journey to the supermarket.

16:30  
They arrive at the supermarket. Sherlock begins to deduce everyone in sight.

16:38  
John has already apologised to six people, and is regretting his decision to bring Sherlock shopping.

16:47  
They leave the supermarket.

17:05  
They arrive at another supermarket.

17:06  
‘Deduce one more bloody person out loud, Sherlock, and I’ll cut your balls off when we get home, understand?’

17:07  
Sherlock understands.

17:11  
‘Shopping is dull, John. How do you stand it?’

17:12  
John resists the urge to strangle Sherlock.

17:51  
They arrive home. Sherlock has not been strangled, nor have his balls parted company with his body. A successful trip out, then.

17:52  
Lestrade is sitting on the stairs waiting for them. He has brought a couple of cold cases for Sherlock to look over.

17:53  
John apologises on Sherlock’s behalf, but he will not be taking any cases today as John is not letting him out of his sight and dinner needs to be cooked.

17:54  
Sherlock opens his mouth to explain why he is being constantly supervised at present, but quickly shuts it again when he sees the expression on John’s face.

17:57  
Sherlock tries to sneak off to his room with the case files.

17:58  
John hauls him back and returns the files to Lestrade. He informs Sherlock that they are now going to make dinner.

18:00  
Lestrade decides that he might stick around for a bit. This has got to be more entertaining than whatever is on telly.

18:05  
Lestrade has helped himself to a beer and is sat in Sherlock’s chair with his feet propped up, observing the scene in the kitchen with interest.

18:06  
John has set all the shopping out on the kitchen table. Sherlock looks like he is going to the gallows.

18:08  
John gives Sherlock a potato and a potato peeler.

18:09  
Sherlock is examining the potato peeler with interest.

18:12  
Sherlock has got the pig innards out of the fridge while John’s back is turned.

18:13  
John is beginning to regret his decision to give Sherlock the potato peeler.

18:15  
Lestrade is surveying the scene with interest. Who’d have known that Sherlock could hang onto a potato peeler with such determination?

18:21  
John has taken over peeling the potatoes.

18:23  
Sherlock is playing with the oven. And the pig innards.

18:25  
John explodes into a rant about sanitary cooking practices.

18:28  
Sherlock is pretending to listen to John’s rant while eying up the rather splendid selection of knives he has just discovered that they own. John keeps all sorts of things hidden in his ridiculous only-stuff-for-cooking-goes-in-here-Sherlock-and-if-I-find-any-experiments-then-I’m-throwing-them-away-with-no-warning cupboard.

18:34  
Lestrade wonders whether he should warn John about the knife stealing going on behind his back.

18:38  
John discovers that Sherlock has turned the oven up by an extra 50 degrees.

18:41  
John discovers that the pig innards have slipped onto the floor while Sherlock has been otherwise engaged.

18:42  
John discovers what Sherlock has been otherwise engaged with.

18:43  
The knives are confiscated.

18:45  
‘You could help you know, Greg. Babysitting is hard work on your own!’

18:47  
Sherlock realises that John was referring to him when he referenced babysitting.

18:48  
Sherlock throws a strop a five-year-old would be proud of.

18:59  
John gives Sherlock the smallest knife that they own along with a bag of carrots.

19:03  
John finds that the smallest knife they own is being used to dissect a short length of porcine small intestine.

19:04  
John’s voice is getting hoarse from yelling.

19:06  
‘I don’t know, John, you seem to be doing fine at babysitting by yourself. You don’t need my help.’

19:10  
John threatens to shove various vegetables into various orifices belonging to Sherlock if he doesn’t put the knife down.

19:11  
Sherlock, encouraged by John’s words, begins to mentally list all the ways he can think of that vegetables could be used as a murder weapon.

19:16  
Lestrade informs Sherlock that he has never come across someone who has been murdered by way of having their breathing restricted by carrots placed in their nose and mouth.

19:17  
Lestrade informs Sherlock that he has never come across someone who has been murdered by way of being suffocated by a paper bag used to purchase vegetables from a grocer’s shop. 

19:18  
Lestrade informs Sherlock that he has never come across someone who has been murdered by way of having a beansprout stuck up their urethra until their bladder bursts.

19:19  
Lestrade informs John that he has never come across someone who has been murdered by their flatmate because they wouldn’t stop talking about ways of murdering people with vegetables and get on with helping to get dinner.

19:20  
The smoke alarm goes off. 

19:23  
John discovers that Sherlock had turned the oven up by another 30 degrees.

19:24  
John ponders whether Lestrade would arrest him for Sherlock’s murder, or help him to hide the body.

19:27  
John gives Sherlock the second smallest knife that they own and tells him to chop the carrots.

19:28  
‘If you do anything else with that knife, Sherlock, not only will I make good my promise from earlier and part of your genitalia will no longer be attached to your body, but I will also shove the remaining carrots up your nose in a scientific experiment to see how long it takes for you to die.’

19:29  
Sherlock would like to remind John that if he wants to conduct that particular experiment, he would also need to put carrots in his mouth as well, but he senses that now is not the time.

19:39  
Sherlock has chopped every single carrot in the bag.

19:40  
They now have a small mountain of pieces of carrot, some smeared with what looks suspiciously like bits of pig innards, but somehow the potatoes have not yet been peeled.

19:45  
Lestrade, now enjoying his third beer of the evening, suggests that a takeaway might be the best approach.

19:46  
John takes one look around the kitchen, and agrees.

19:48  
Lestrade, who has invited himself round for dinner, phones for a takeaway.

19:49  
Sherlock is prodding the pieces of carrot with intense interest.

19:51  
John decides he does not want to know what experiments are currently being planned.

19:53  
Sherlock declares that he likes cooking.

19:54  
John informs Sherlock that he is never allowing him anywhere near any cooking, ever again.

19:55  
Sherlock feels marginally disappointed, but has to concede that maybe cooking is not for him.

20:20  
The takeaway arrives.

20:25  
Sherlock declares that he is full and looks around for something else to do.

20:26  
John gives Sherlock a look which pins him to his chair.

20:59  
Lestrade thanks John for a good evening's entertainment.

21:01  
John threatens to send Sherlock round to Lestrade's the next time he is bored.

21:03  
Lestrade makes a hasty exit before any such arrangements can be made.

21:04  
Sherlock is playing with the carrot pieces again.

21:05  
John decides that carrot is better than pig intestine, so he leaves him to it.

22:05  
Sherlock is still playing with the carrot pieces when John announces that he is going to bed.

22:06  
'Do anything with those pig innards, Sherlock, anything at all, and I will murder you in your sleep, got it? We've got enough vegetables left over for me to accomplish that quite easily.'

22:07  
Sherlock grins at John.

22:09  
John eventually grins back at Sherlock.

22:22  
Sherlock decides that vegetable murders can wait until tomorrow. Plus, he doesn't really want to give John anymore ideas.


End file.
